Wednesday 1 November 8st 13lb 8oz (yesss! yesss!), alcohol units 2 (v.g.), cigarettes 4 (but could not smoke at Toms in case set Alternative Miss World costume alight), calories 1848 (g.), Smoothies 12 (excellent progress).

Just went round to Toms for top-level summit to discuss the Mark Darcy scenario. Found Tom, however, in a complete lather about the forthcoming Alternative Miss World contest. Having decided ages ago to go as Miss Global Warming, he was having a crisis of confidence.

I havent got a hope in hell, he was saying, looking in the mirror, then flouncing to the window.

He was wearing a polystyrene sphere painted like map of the globe but with the polar ice caps melting and a large burn mark on Brazil. In one hand he was holding a piece of tropical hardwood and a Lynx aerosol, and in the other an indeterminate furry item which he claimed was a dead ocelot. Do you think I should have a melanoma? he asked.

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