MARTIN

The first evening wasnt too bad, I suppose. I was recognized once or twice, and ended up wearing JJs baseball cap pulled down over my eyes, which depressed me. I am not a baseball-cap sort of a chap, and I abhor people who wear any sort of headgear during dinner. We ate so-so seafood in a tourist trap on the seafront, and the only reason I didnt complain about just about everything was because of the look on Maureens face: she was transported by her microwaved plaice and her warm white wine, and it seemed churlish to spoil it.

Maureen had never been anywhere, and Id had a holiday just a few months before. Penny and I went away for a few days after Id come out of prison, to Majorca. We stayed in a private villa outside Deya, and I thought it was going to be the best few days of my life, because the worst three months were over. But of course it wasnt like that at all; to describe prison as the worst three months of ones life is like describing a horrible car crash as the worst ten seconds. It sounds logical, and neat; it sounds truthful. But its not, because the worst time is afterwards, when you wake up in hospital and learn that your wife is dead, or youve had your legs amputated, and that therefore the worst has just begun. I appreciate that this is a gloomy way of talking about a mini-break on a perfectly pleasant Mediterranean island, but it was on Majorca that I realized that the worst was nowhere near over, and might never be over. Prison was humiliating and terrifying, mind-numbing, savagely destructive of the soul in a way that the expression soul-destroying can no longer convey. Do you know what quizzies are? Neither did I, until my first night. Quizzies are when drugged-up psychos hurl questions at each other across the blocks, all of them centred around what the participants would like to see done to unpopular and /or celebrated newcomers. I was the subject of a quizzie on my first night; I wont bother to list even the more imaginative suggestions, but suffice to say that I didnt sleep very well that night, and that for the first time in my life I had intensely violent fantasies of revenge. I focused everything on the day of my release, and though that day brought with it an overwhelming relief, it didnt last very long.

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